Please Excuse the Interruption

I haven’t blogged in nearly two months and for that….I apologize. To say that life has been interrupted as of late; would be an understatement and today will be a few paragraphs of catching up with my blog and sharing all that Jesus continues to do in my life, even if I am not exactly comfortable with all that He has planned and the changes that seem to change or be added….sometimes daily.

My last entry was April 2^nd. Strangely enough it was the day I attended a simulcast by Priscilla Shirer called “Life Interrupted.” I purchased her book by the same name that day and read it cover to cover in a couple of days from then. It spoke to me a bit and I loved the content but for the most part I felt it was for “other people”. My life was on track. I felt I was exactly where Jesus wanted me; emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Who would know that just two weeks later…I would begin to start seeing what Jesus had been working on behind the scenes; a smile crossing his face each time another puzzle piece revealed more of His plan.

Baby came home on a Wednesday night a couple weeks later; not happy to leave California but glad to be home at the same time. She is my “free-spirit”, as she so aptly describes herself, and has a history of following her heart but being led down a road of disappointment when she realizes that putting her happiness in someone else’s hands ….and not His, hasn’t worked out. She hasn’t had the easiest of times; none of my girls did…growing up with an absent mom that cared more about her “being married to a DJ” lifestyle and all that entailed. I am grateful that ALL of them have seen the transformation He has made in me and can learn from a better example; not only in how I live now but just what is possible no matter what happens or how far we stray. We are never alone even when it feels completely opposite.

I was excited to welcome Baby home but feel I may have used her return as an excuse to tune out so much of what I was running away from, without even fully realizing it; my blog included. I told friends and family AND Jesus during our devotion time (also getting fewer and further between) that I was shifting my focus on Baby because she was home and that took all of my time that used to be for blogging, sewing, writing, or volunteering. I know now just how unfair that was, especially since Baby was the one to remind me my “readers” were probably wondering what happened to me since my silence was deafening both in writing and responding to emails or texts from friends.  Luckily the latest email from Lynnette was also one to snap me back into action. A true friend that knows just how powerful her words are….even though I couldn’t bring myself to reply.

She wrote just ten lines and it was the perfect mix of “I’m thinking of you”, advice and concern, and then ending with a well wishes for a great visit with my husband that is home from Oklahoma for a week before returning to his job for another month at a time. Only a writer and friend could put such impactful, thought provoking words together in just the right dose without worry about how it would be received. Coming from anyone else would not have had the same affect, I am sure.

In addition to the conversation with Baby and the email/texts from Lynnette, there are the echoes from the Jonah bible study that I am currently participating in at church. Originally having no interest in this study or the content; it surprises me to be in it and have Priscilla Shirer talk to me EXACTLY where I am. The simulcast that I attended was just a taste of what would soon be my life and this study is just diving deeper into the “Life Interrupted” topic. I even picked up that book again only this time it isn’t about “other people”…. It’s about me. I AM the other people I felt sorry for when reading it before. Let me give the quick Reader’s Digest version of what I’m referring to.

Jonah was a prophet; one of a dozen or so in his day and doing a pretty good job of it. He lived in Joppa, not far from Jerusalem and God used him often to speak to the people nearby. Jonah was obedient and always was a great “go between”, sharing God’s vision and relaying instructions to the people. He lived comfortably and was well respected. Then… God asked something personal of Jonah. He didn’t ask him to relay any information but instead asked for action; something Jonah was to DO himself and not to instruct of anyone else. He was to travel to Nineveh to spread God’s word but Jonah couldn’t be less excited about living obediently at that point. So much so that Jonah would go down in history as being the ONLY prophet to try and run from God; despite knowing better than anyone, that God was everywhere. Jonah travelled as far as he could in the opposite direction of Nineveh; enter belly of the whale moment where he FINALLY realizes that God has plans for him and if he had just continued to be obediently, he could have avoided all those “fishy” moments….but then we would have nothing to reference, epitomize, and learn from; again making the bible sooooo relevant to today.

That being said…..

“Hi, my name is Jonah.” I was comfortable exactly where I was; perhaps TOO comfortable. I felt pretty good about living obediently and just KNEW I was doing everything He wanted of me; I was preparing to go to the “She Speaks” conference in North Carolina to learn to be a better writer and speaker for Him, I was getting used to being home alone and using that time to draw closer to Him through devotion and prayer and study time, I was sewing and marketing and dreaming big with regards to Lyla’s: a Christian boutique. Just like Jonah….I was doing everything He wanted from me and just expected that to be enough because it worked and it was all for Him so I figured that was exactly where I needed to be.

But then….

He shows up and asks for action. Not action that I can advise someone else to do (like telling Baby, without question or hesitation, to come home) but real action that I, MYSELF, needs to take. I was feeling especially spoken to but didn’t like what God was saying…just like Jonah. And that is where the real “running” comes into play.

I didn’t charter a boat, buy all the seats, get thrown overboard, end up in the belly of a whale, just to end up in the exact same place BUT…. I did run. I ran from God without even leaving the comfort of my own home. How did I do that? By not opening my bible. By not communicating with friends and family. By not spending my mornings with Jesus in our devotional time. By not sewing and being in scripture all day. I ran. I even tried to avoid filling in the blanks of the Jonah bible study for the second week because the first week called me out in soooo many ways. Even the nods received from other women in my study knew that Priscilla had my number and wasn’t afraid to put it out there for ALL to see. And…. it was just what I needed.

We prayed and we prayed to have our territories be expanded a couple years ago and moved obediently to Plymouh, MI. where we have gotten so comfortable and knew that Jesus was the one to credit with all that happened since we moved here; the church, the friends, the jobs, the people, the opportunities. But then my husband Robbe landed a contract job in Oklahoma to design airplanes….his dream job but not our dream location. We prayed for a permanent job and we prayed for aerospace but Lord knows we didn’t pray for Oklahoma. Guess that is the best example of not trying to have a relationship with God in the advisory capacity. Ta da.

Nineveh = Oklahoma.

The contract dream job in aerospace is going permanent….in Oklahoma. Funny how easy it is to live obediently when it is something you want to do anyway: i.e…. going to the She Speaks conference with my best friend, sewing, writing, and spending time with Him every day. But, just like Jonah, God showed up and asked me to dig a little bit deeper; not just living comfortably in Him but to take what He has already done in me and travel to “Nineveh”.

I have been running from him but after being in my “own belly of the whale” for much longer than four days, I have come to terms with what He is asking of me. Still working on the: finding joy in all He does and all He asks but walking obediently despite what I want….or thought I wanted. God has a different plan and I have finally come around to his way of thinking and embrace the challenge that lies ahead but will miss my comfort zone (perhaps that is just part of the point He is making).

Baby is home and we’re moving to Oklahoma. I have lost a total of 14 pounds so far but hope to lower that number even more by recommitting (and restarting) the “Made to Crave” bible study. I completed the 21 Day challenge but only got through two weeks of the six week study and that may or may not have had anything to do with my “Life Interrupted.”

I have spent an amazing week with my husband and am careful never to take the smallest things for granted. Who knew that just going to bed at night and waking up next to the man you married could be such a blessing? We are even going on a date tonight and I am excited to have another two days before saying goodbye for another month and counting down the days until we live in “Nineveh” together; both of us taking the next step in a journey that God has laid out for us.

I started sewing again and am re-excited about taking pictures for the Watercolor Ministries website and streamlining the Lyla’s catalog. I love blasting my Christian music with my bible open, making new scripture labels and mixing up fabrics, texture, and ribbon for new designs every day.

Baby and I joined a different gym so we can go together and are excited every chance we go. She even lets me hang out with her and her friends a couple times a week. It is great to be able to wake her up with coffee and hear all that she is going through. I love to see the excitement on her face when she talks about her friends and job and she has even come around to being excited about the move to a “new land”….another adventure we will experience together; her and I following behind the moving truck with a sign “Nineveh or Bust” in our back window.

I am elated that Anja and Alyssa continue to keep in touch with me. I love random phone calls from Alyssa just to check in on her way home from work and I love that Anja texts or calls just to ask for advice on everything or nothing at all. Neither of which I could have ever hoped for after all that I have put them through.  

I know that my Cardboard Jesus is happy to spend mornings over coffee with me again, talking about the changes He is orchestrating and the excitement He knows is soon to follow. I love that he never says “I told you so” but loves when I figure things out for myself. He tells me “Trust me. Have I ever let you down? Have I ever taken you somewhere that didn’t work out in the end? Have I ever asked you to go anywhere that I didn’t go with you? Don’t I always give you the resources you need just when you need them? Remember….with me, you don’t have to worry about a thing. You just have to trust me and know that I always have your best interest at heart even when you don’t understand it. You don’t need to.”

Just Six Words? ..... I Doubt It

As you know Jesus and I are taking a road trip to North Carolina this summer. It won’t be our first “getaway” but it will definitely be the best. This year was dubbed our year of “faith and footwork” and both are in full effect. I registered for the She Speaks conference and signed up for the scholarship/fundraising opportunity. This means I have until June 1, 2011 to pay for the conference, pre-conference, and hotel stay….or just two months to keep trying to win the various scholarships that are available from Cecil Murphy and Proverbs 31 Ministries.

I know that Jesus has a plan for me; I just don’t know what that plan is. We have an arrangement….he and I; have faith in him and do the footwork whenever an opportunity presents itself (or even make my own in some cases).

The challenge for this scholarship from She Reads (a division of Proverbs 31 Ministries)…  Write a story. Sounds easy enough from someone that loves to tell and weave a good story with words to paper. BUT… this story can be just six words.

Yep….Six.

I think I say more than six words while sleeping at night and I know that I bend Jesus’ ear every morning over coffee and countless times throughout the day. Even He thought this a challenge but one He thought I was up for; shaking his head and grinning “Go for it. Give it a try. This is the footwork part.”

But, in true Gidget fashion….I wrote a few “stories” and then couldn’t decide. I went with my first draft, “My Life Story”, and posted to the comments of their blog; just as instructed.

My Life Story

Not again. Born again. Come Again.

The Sequel

She failed. He found. He forgave.

A Love Story

Girl meets Jesus. Jesus rescues girl.

Jesus and I are taking a road trip. Okay, okay… Jesus, Lynnette, and I are flying; but you get the point. Heather and Jeana are packing bags, raising money, and trying for scholarships too. Do YOU wanna come with us?

Visit the official site.

Follow the blog.

Check out the registration information.

Scholarship or no scholarship, this one or another ….Jesus has a plan for us and He’s coming with us to make it even better. See ya there!!

She Speaks Scholarship Entry: Plaid Luggage and Pom Poms

Something happened in the months from June to December last year…. I was broken beyond recognition; except He recognized me still. I felt left behind and alone but He reminded me no matter where I was; he was with me. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to do as He asked and then a friend reminded me “You may be the only Jesus they see.” I thought to myself: “ Any bit of Jesus I can share is better than keeping quiet in fear of failing.”

In my past life I was the life of the party and always wanting to lead people to the ways I was living. When I found Jesus, he told me that was one thing that wouldn’t have to change…it was just the life I would lead them to would be a different one; an everlasting one.

I belong to an amazing church…one I never saw myself attending. “Who would ever want to go to a church that size? It’s huge and they must all feel like numbers and not faces.” Out of 25,000 members, I am Gidget…not number 24,897. We have small groups and bible studies, LifeShare classes and seminars, missionary trips and volunteer opportunities. This large church is a building with many churches (bodies of Christ) making up its numbers. The opportunities offered since first walking in its doors a year ago have been limitless and fulfilling.

I am not a number but a face; a face that just happens to have an unusual name attached to it… a name that many of the staff know, along with many others that walk through the doors for services, events, studies, or classes. My husband and I wanted to be a part of it from the minute we crossed the parking lot and sat in row five, seats ten and eleven, for the first time last spring. We found Jesus just before moving and found our way to a baptism before thousands in May of last year. Let the life-changing begin.

With a church that size there are many staff and more volunteers to keep it running as smoothly as it does. The fact that I live across the street only keeps me there longer and more often, despite the weather conditions…studying, speaking, or vacuuming; bring it on.

What does this have to do with “Plaid Luggage and Pom Poms”?? Let me share, my friends.

There is a little conference (cough) about 600 in attendance last year I am told; that happens every summer in North Carolina…. the She Speaks Conference that is hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. It is this amazing opportunity (funny how they number so many since becoming BFFs with Jesus)…. but I digress. This fabulous opportunity is for Christian women; all walks of life, all directions of addresses, and all levels of wanting to “Cheer for Jesus.”   Speakers, writers, and leaders Oh My.

This is the Cheer Camp to end all Cheer Camps and if you want to come with us, please follow the link to She Speaks Registration information. Yes… I said US. There are four of us going together….so we can be filled to overflowing and learn how to fill others. (Hint: this is where the pom poms come in).

I’ve never been to a Christian conference of any kind and now I want to go to one that is part conference, part fellowship, part seminar, part learning opportunity, part publisher parade, part speaker forum, part writing critique, part… who am I kidding; this isn’t part anything but a FULL three days of networking with those that have already lit the way for us to follow and those looking to do the following. FULLY AMAZING and FULLY for HIM…not PART anything.

I have no experience in leading just yet but I do hope to gain some. Jesus tells me “Be bold. Be transparent. Be the spokesperson I created you to be.” He doesn’t tell me in the “If you build it … they will come” kinda whisper but reminds me that I was created for this every time we get together over coffee or share the excitement I feel each time I learn something new from Him; through my mom, my church, or my friends. He is responsible for them all so He just smiles and, like a parent to a child when learning to ride a bike….excited at all of the places I can go now….(without the flowered basket on handlebars of course….but pom poms stuck in the handles would be a nice touch).

I write (blogs, devotions, stories, and thank you notes). I speak (sharing my testimony and past, and cheer wherever someone will let me). I sew (bible covers, journals, totes, and coffee cozies). I bake (scones, cakes, and cupcakes….even though Lysa’s “Made to Crave” has squashed that for me for a little while).

I have taken advantage of any opportunity offered at our church; taking classes to learn my spiritual gifts (scared of the word Evangelist until I learned it just meant Cheerleader for Jesus…. Sooooo me), learned to be a small group leader, involved in Prison Ministry, Women’s Ministry and Bible Studies, and currently taking a class to help the LifeShare Ministry… facilitating counseling and advising through challenges we have overcome in order to help others through divorce, cancer, addiction, weight loss, depression, etc.

When I felt alone during my isolation for six months that helped further the transformation He began two years ago…I missed my friends; the friends that Jesus himself hand-picked to be a part of my life. That feeling of loneliness is one I never want another to feel and I wanted to start a fellowship of Christian women when I returned… I did. We call ourselves “Lylas”…. Standing for “Love ya like a Sister….in Jesus” and we do. We are there for each other despite the circumstances; in person over coffee or just a shoulder, via email or text, biggest of smiles or with tear stained cheeks. We go to movies and dinner, host luncheons and teas, and even make handmade totes and jewelry, speak, or cook food in His name; each having a ministry of our own to Cheer for Him….spreading his name in any way possible, with multiple opportunities for people to feel as intimate with Him as we do.

I have never been to She Speaks but I assure you… receiving a scholarship or not, I will be there….along with three other Lylas (one already being blessed to receive a scholarship of her own)….a woman from Proverbs 31 Ministries left a comment on her blog that has become our motto (“The world says “Where there is a will there is a way.” The Father says, “Where there is a heart desperate to follow hard after me, I can make a way.”) Guess what? We have four hearts that are desperate to follow hard and cheer others to do the same…. We’re goin’.

And of course…. any group of women with a motto for their first Cheer Camp has to have a theme song “Get Here” by Oleta Adams says it all….

“You can reach me by railway, you can reach my trailway. You can reach me by airplane…… “

This isn’t about “winning” the Cecil Murphey Scholarship for attending the conference, because that would mean there was just one winner amongst us striving for this opportunity, making the rest of us “losers.” This is about hoping to be blessed enough to receive this gift….and if not this gift, another He has planned for us down the road. He has many blessings for us all and we only have to ask for them. I am asking for this one but I know if it isn’t me this time…He has another way and I will seek out the receiver of this gift at the conference and be sure to bring an extra set of pom poms for a woman picked “for a time such as this.”

Luckily for me my plaid luggage has extra pockets for just such occasions.

Day Twenty-One: Just Rewards

Today is the last day of the “Made to Crave” 21 Day Challenge but leads into the first day of the real challenge; maintaining the freshness with the full on bible study and continuing to be accountable to Kathy (a fellow Lyla taking this journey with me), my family, and my blog. I love the transparency that comes from spilling my chunky self into words; allowing others to see the real me that He wants to see be better, thinner, healthier, and happier. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see my weight as a direct relation to my happiness but I am already elated at knowing that I am headed in the right direction spiritually which makes me feel better physically.

Lysa had great insights on her devotion today and I never like to “cut and paste” too much from her but this had to be shared:

“Eating wisely can become more than just a diet. It can become our lifestyle! But better yet, we position our hearts to enjoy closeness and fulfillment with God for eternity!” “To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.” Revelation 2:7…. “Aren’t you encouraged to see that overcoming is possible? We can be more than just a woman who hide our struggles or deal with them just enough to survive. This verse in Revelation says “the one who overcomes.” In other words, it confirms that we can find absolute victory in an area where we once knew nothing but defeat. There’s reward awaiting those of us who press through our struggles all the way to absolute victory.”

Whew.

Am I encouraged? Absolutely! They say if you want proof… look to the bible. If I didn’t buy into all that I have read in Lysa’s book, I can find exactly where she is coming from simply by flipping the pages of my bible. I love that she has done the work for me in pointing out scripture to validate each point she makes. I am encouraged that overcoming is possible. Not just overcoming this journey to weight loss but overcoming in general. I have been able to overcome many things since letting Jesus in; shouldn’t that be proof enough that He can help me to overcome something so silly as a few pounds? Seeming small in comparison. I looooove when Lysa says….. “it confirms that we can find absolute victory in an area where we once knew nothing but defeat.” I have tried and succeeded at weight loss but I have tried and been defeated ten times over. Even in my successes I never experienced absolute victory and I look forward to sharing the ups and downs; trying to be the spokesperson He created me to be.

Absolute victory. Hmmmmm….  “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

I love this scripture and keep it close as a “promise to those who love him.”

I am excited at the possibilities this bible study has opened up. I love being able to answer the thought provoking questions Lysa puts out there in the participant’s guide and DVD. Not only has it been a way to get me on the right track physically, it is allowing me to grow spiritually, and has opened up a door to a new friendship in my accountability partner. This study has also bridged the 2500 mile gap between my mom and I as we compare notes and energize each other with topical references and “food for thought.”

I have an end goal of 175 pounds and I know that I will reach it. I have smaller goals (baby steps) before getting there and I am excited to reach each and every one of those. I want to wear some of those smaller jeans in the back of my closet to the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina this summer. I know that I can be at least 190 before heading to Charlotte and meeting the author of this study. Who knows… I may even be able to zip up those jeans without lying on the bed and tuck in a shirt so that a belt will be seen; I might even have to go belt shopping before the weekend with Lylas…learning how to be better cheerleaders for Him whether it be speaking, writing, or leading. This is the end of the 21 Day Challenge but it is not the end of learning to crave more of God and less of food.

And I couldn’t say it better than my bible crush Paul, so I quote:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14

Me too, Paul. Me too.

Day Twenty: It's All in the Jeans.....(those genes too)

Throughout this study, I have been trying to pray more and be more willing to listen to what He tells me, in whatever medium He wants to tell me. I have been very receptive to where Lysa is leading us and I understand why she wants us to focus on what we do instead of putting the focus where it doesn’t belong…pleasing our tummies and not our hearts. Let’s face it; an extra slice of cake makes the emptiness go away in our gut but it can’t replace what Jesus fills in our hearts. He is just as immediate as our chocolate treat but lasts so much longer (without any crazy calories). What’s not to love? I promise to apologize to my Cardboard Jesus later for the comparison to chocolate cake but I am certain he knows it was absolutely necessary to make my point.

Many years ago, probably six or seven now… I had an opportunity to try out for the Biggest Loser via a local radio/TV station. It was truly a “cattle call”. We were instructed to call in to get the secret location of where the “go see” would be held. I was elated to see what I could do. Knowing it would probably be all about a “gimmick” I had a football jersey made; the call letters and numbers of the station with my name “GIDGET” across the back, along the top. We entered a room, six at a time sitting at a long rectangular conference table with four others from the radio/TV station facing us from the other side. They asked us questions about health and why we wanted to participate in this contest; aside from the obvious about losing weight and wanting to learn healthier eating habits. This must have been some of their only answers because when it came to a few people in front of me to answer….they looked at the judges with glassy eyes and had nothing new to add. I was quite proud of my goals; being comical but completely true. I said “I want to be able to zip up my jeans without lying on the bed and tuck my shirt in so people can actually see a belt if I decided to wear one.” At the time my jeans were more than a little snug and even when finally zipped were the most uncomfortable jeans forcing my excess tummy to the top. If that is the epitome of muffin top, my muffin was extra full.

Lysa shared her story of skinny jeans today. The definition of skinny jeans being the ones that used to fit … “when we were skinny” and have kept in the closet waiting to see the light of day again one day. She was happy to get into them but was telling how getting into the skinny jeans shouldn’t be our source of happiness. (Whew… I can be happy despite having ten pair of jeans in my closet in various states of fitting; a couple that still have tags and have been “Reward Jeans” for months.)

After I read this in her devotion today I asked myself; “Self…. What is linked to your happiness?” Things are great but they could be better if _____________________.” Yeah, I had some things that I could feel that line with:

…Alyssa would visit, Anja would check in more, or Baby would come back home.

…my husband’s job that he loves doing; was in Michigan and not 15 hours away in Oklahoma.

…chunky didn’t run in my family; seemingly skipping my middle sister but we love her anyway.

I do find joy in everything I do…honest. But if my happiness is not contingent on other things benefitting me, how could I fill in the blank in the statement above?

“The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

Oh…. Cool, thanks Nehemiah. That’s a completely random scripture to just pop in my head. Not so random from where He sits though… I know.

I want to experience all this bible study has to offer and feel that THIS time the journey to weight loss is truly that; a journey.

Journey:

-       Noun

1.    a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time.

2.    a distance, course, or area traveled or suitable for traveling.

3.    passage or progress from one stage to another.

I have read it often and written about it a few times…but am reminded of the trek the disciples made across the Sea of Galilee.

In the middle of everything the disciples faced, Jesus came to them. They didn’t recognize him at first and were hesitant in asking him into the boat; just as I put him off so many times before the BIG transformation. But…when they did recognize him and they let him into the boat….it was a decision that saved their lives and allowed them to get to the new place that God intended. If God sent them, then he was also committed to their destiny and would release all of the resources necessary for them to get to the other side. When God directs us in a way that leads us into transition, He has already committed Himself to come to us when we reach unstable waters.

(Taken from: Going for a Boat Ride… You comin’ Jesus? Jan 5, 2011)

I am committed to my destination of 175 pounds; to fit into the smallest of my jeans patiently waiting in my closet, ready to make their presence known. God is committed to my destiny and will release all the resources necessary to get me to the other side.Those jeans are suitable for traveling and they are excited as I am about the possibility of making the trip to North Carolina to the She Speaks conference…meeting the author of the book that made it possible; if nothing else….being a “How to” book for craving Him and not all of the things that made those jeans a forgotten friend in the first place.

Day Nineteen: Carrots and Cupcakes

Before starting the “Made to Crave” bible study and subsequently the 21 Day Challenge, much like Lysa (the author of the study I have referred to for 18 days prior to this one) admitted “I have never craved a carrot stick.” I had to nod my head and raise a hand to the heavens when I saw/heard this on her DVD. “Amen sista”.

But, nineteen days into this program, I do find myself craving carrot sticks and let me tell you why. I feel like I am cheating a bit. It is the act of eating one mini carrot stick after another; hand to mouth action. I have never been a smoker but have known a few that have…and quit. They needed to do something to keep their fingers and mouths busy, to replace the act of smoking. I feel like carrot sticks do the same for me. No, it isn’t movie theater popcorn with butter in the middle and on top. And it isn’t quite as “indulging” as the spoonful after spoonful of my Chunky Monkey Ben and Jerry’s ice cream that I love so much. But it is the act of making me feel like I am getting something… one bite at a time.

Hmmmm…. the act of making me feel like I am getting something.

How many times in my life have I pretended that what I had was just as good as what I was missing? How often did I want to ask Jesus for a relationship with him but didn’t feel worthy?

 “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” 1 Corinthians 10:23

Just because God gave us the power to choose for ourselves doesn’t mean that we use that power for good and not evil. When I made decisions for myself…by myself…the result wasn’t good. I did things that were self-gratifying with no thoughts of how it would affect others directly or indirectly. Everything was permissible and I felt everything was beneficial….to me, at least.

He gave me the ability to make choices and it seems like I made the wrong ones every chance I got….yet, He never took that from me, hoping that one day I would start making better ones. “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” Let me dummy it down into “worldly lingo;” …. Just because it comes in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it OR that if you do wear it; it will look good on you. Being 5’9” and a size 16 for instance; you won’t see me wearing a bikini despite some designers thinking it will look good on every body type because it comes in black. Or… walking into the neighborhood pub with the best of intentions; only going to have a few beers when the first shot is offered. Within an hour, my good intentions were put on the top shelf with the expensive liquor…out of reach until next time. It was the same way with weight loss… if there was a goal in mind I would compete to reach that goal but then what?

This is what Lysa mentioned in her devotion today:

“Reaching my weight loss goal is a precarious place for me. That’s because I find it is a blessing strangled in a curse. The “curse” is the assumption that freedom now means I can return to all those things I have given up for the past months. The sacrifices… the missed treats… the deprived taste buds high on salad and low on French fries. I’m tempted to celebrate, live it up, and invite all those foods I’ve missed to a little welcome-home party.”

I feel I have already reached many goals since FINALLY tracking Jesus down and asking Him to fill the hole in my heart. I want to say “I’m better now” and can revisit some of the places I have come from. I am stronger. I know how better to handle myself and those things that led me astray before can’t touch me now because I have Jesus; and for the most part…that could be true. But…He has still not taken away my freewill and I know that there are some places I could go where it would be very easy to maintain my composure and there are others that would test me for sure. “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1Corinthians 10:13

As Lysa mentioned before; “….tempted to celebrate.” I want to share my faith with those that I had to walk away from. It was necessary to “change my playground” physically and mentally to devote my entire “new life” to Him. But I feel so strong and because of that I think I would be okay and toy with the idea of letting some of those people back in my life…just to see what He is truly capable of because they knew me “when.” I share with them via facebook or email; the life I have now compared to then. But I remember that just because I am a Christian I am not immune or invincible. The world will still try to creep in and wreak havoc on the life Jesus has created for me and I am unwilling to risk that. Jesus was with Daniel in the Lion’s Den but he didn’t choose to be put there….he just knew that he was not alone and that is enough for me too.

I am excited to get to my goal weight and celebrate with friends and not food. Heck… we already have mini-celebrations each weigh in day and I know that would still be the case if the needle on the scale moved up and not down. We have much to be thankful and celebrate. More than learning to crave God and not food, in this study, I am learning to appreciate all I have in Him and not focus on what is missing. I no longer envy those with different lifestyles but enjoy the lifestyle he has created for me.

I am eating carrots but living cupcakes…. and mine is cream filled with sprinkles on top.

Day Eighteen: The Art of Comparison

I grew up competitive and it stuck with me; even through becoming a Christian. Jesus knows that I am no longer cutthroat, malicious, or conniving in my methods but comparing was something I did for a long time. I think being competitive and comparing were two of my Top Ten faults; dishonest, addicted, judgmental, vindictive, and just mean- spirited…. to name a few more.

I was constantly comparing myself to others. First Grade… someone had higher ponytails than me but I had awesome homemade crocheted ribbons in multiple colors (Thanks Mom). Sixth Grade… many pretty girls in my class that looked much older than they were; I wore glasses and big pink clip on earrings (in my defense, it was 1980.) Tenth Grade… I was faster in cross country that she was; but she was a cheerleader and much more popular. (I love that I was just a late bloomer and am the self-proclaimed Captain of the Cheerleader for Jesus squad now.)

Lysa gave the example of an exercise class comparison….. “I was in exercise class one day when the gal next to me leaned over and shared concerns about her sister’s increasing weight. I was half listening and half straining to lift my aching legs when she quipped, “I mean, my sister now weighs like 150 pounds!” I didn’t know whether to laugh out loud or keep silent, because the number that horrified her was the exact number I saw that very morning on my scale!”

Let’s face it… my GOAL WEIGHT isn’t even close to 150 pounds; I am being realistic at 175 and will be ecstatic to see 200. Talk about a conversation being relative to those it involves, huh? I can’t even imagine that Weight Watchers says that someone of my height (I’m 5’9” in bare feet and nearly 6’ with heels on...which isn’t often) should weigh between 145 – 160 pounds. YIKES.  The last time I felt pretty good about myself was probably ten years ago; I was 175 pounds and a size 14. I felt comfortable. I was active. And I even wore a bathing suit in front of people….now I don’t even put on shorts or skirts higher than the knees.

Flashback to the “Mean Gidget” days…. Also known as the PJ Era (Pre-Jesus)…. Even being the chunky girl (265 pounds at my heaviest), I would compare myself to others. It would start off in a negative way; me comparing to the skinny twenty-somethings that could not only wear anything they wanted and look good…they were eating and drinking anything they wanted without compromise. But, I was pretty good at the “Art of Comparison” and it wouldn’t take me long to find someone that was chunkier than me or I thought I looked better than; either hair, makeup job, clothes, or accessories. Guess who I immediately would try to befriend…. Yep; me and the chunky wallflower with bad shoes would be best friends within twenty minutes. I’m not proud of the person I was but I mention it simply because Jesus picked me anyway. He walked into a room and out of everyone else He could have come to….He came to me. Whew. (Only now…. many years later, I wonder; was I picked by others in a room for the very same reason? Was I the chunkier girl that made them feel better about themselves?)

Ugh….  My heart hurts a little.

I don’t make comparisons anymore, although I admit to still being a bit competitive at times. Jesus says that friendly competition is okay but he raises an eyebrow at me anytime I get too close to crossing the line.

One thing I have learned since becoming Captain of the Cheerleading for Jesus squad is that in Him we are created anew. Not just in our hearts but the outside too. He changes us so that others can see what He is capable of. The only comparing we need to do is to him and the example he set for us. It isn’t about the numbers on the scale or what size jeans I put on this morning (although he did say my smaller ones look better).

The Art of Comparison is only to Him. I can remember that. I need to live it.

Today, Kathy and I met for our “Made to Crave” study and DVD session. The best part by far was the section based upon (of course) the words of Paul. In the participation guide Lysa says:

The statements below define the truth of your identity as a child of God. As you read each statement, write your name in the space provided.

_______________ ,the forgiven child of God. (Romans 3:24)

_______________ ,the set-free child of God. (Romans 8:1-2)

_______________ ,the accepted child of God. (1Corinthians 1:2)

_______________ ,the holy child of God. (1Corinthians 1:30)

_______________, the made-new child of God. (2Corinthians 5:17)

_______________, the loved child of God. (Ephesians 1:4)

_______________, the close child of God. (Ephesians 2:13)

_______________, the confident child of God. (Ephesians 3:12)

_______________, the victorious child of God. (Romans 8:37)

“Which of the identity truths above is the hardest for you to believe wholeheartedly? Why do you struggle with this one?”

Wow.... I couldn't pick just one, that's for sure.

I am reminded that there is no need to compare myself to anyone because I am….. the forgiven, set-free, accepted, holy child, made-new, loved, close, confident, and victorious child of God.

Would God want any of children behaving that way? 

Yeah… I didn’t think so either.