Day Thirteen: Now I Know What Eve Felt Like

I hate to pick on her again…I really do. I think she got a bum rap because she was the first woman ever AND subsequently the first woman to make a mistake; and it was a doozy. When Adam and Eve ate off the forbidden tree, they committed their first sin against God – and what happened after that, set the tone for all of us. The bible tells us “then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Genesis 3:7) To think that just a chapter before in 2:25, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

Why all of the sudden would they want to cover their nakedness when they had been running around totally naked in this garden for who knows how long before this transgression took place? Simply put… due to the fact that shame, guilt, and condemnation immediately set in the minute they committed their first sin and transgression against God. The instant this shame, guilt, and condemnation set in, they lost all of their childlike innocence and purity. And once they lost all of that…they then became self-conscious of their nakedness and then had to make an attempt to try and cover it up.

Shame, guilt, and condemnation are similar in that they all have to do with sin, in but different in degree, duration, and scope.

1.    Shame is an intense feeling of angst that makes you wish you could evaporate; extreme humiliation and remorse; a despairing of life from abject embarrassment.

2.    Guilt is realizing you have done wrong, usually for some particular sin.

3.    Condemnation is being sentenced (convicted) for doing wrong.

Lysa spoke of a Tower of Impossibility today and, where I felt it was relevant to some, I had to backtrack to her devotion of Day 3 for my entry because shame was the feeling of the day. (Okay, not the whole day…but a good thirty minutes). Her entry stated: “More than once, I’ve held the latest, greatest, diet book in one hand with my other hand wedged into the back pocket of my ever-tightening jeans. But the thought of taking the plunge and signing up for another diet made me want to sit down and cry. I’d return the book to the shelf; toss my head back, and sigh, “Another day, another time. I’m doing the best I can right now.”

I took a series of “Before” pictures using the time delay feature on my camera last week BUT today was the first day I had time to view the pictures from their folder.

Wow.

THIS is why I know exactly what Eve felt like when she felt shame, guilt, and condemnation that day in the garden. The one thing I have figured out that maybe she hadn’t… God already knows and I can’t hide. No amount of “fig leaves” can hide what I thought I was hiding with my multiple layers of clothes I wear.

How did this happen? I used to be a size 8-10 and felt comfortable at that size. I weighed in at 265 pounds about two years ago, so I guess I got used to the 220 pound mark thinking it looked good enough for a while. Um… not anymore. I have been avoiding cameras for a while but today was a sharp reminder of why. Just like Eve… I have been making attempts to try and cover it up; both with humor and with t-shirts covered by long sleeves, covered by denim jackets or ski vests; depending on the season….(and don’t forget the scarves). I love layering because extra colors and patterns are who I am, but I would love to layer for that reason and not to hide what’s underneath.

I tried to justify that Jesus loves me just the way I am so I don’t have to worry about being the skinny Christian; and even believed it for a while. But He made me for more, and just like Eve, now that I realize it, I am completely shocked and embarrassed that I did this to someone who gave his life for me. Unlike Eve… I am not going to let this realization pull me further from Him but to make us closer.

Even though I am only thirteen days into this journey, it has been eye opening. I am brought to my knees and shown what I need to focus on…. Him; I am not to think of what I can’t have, what I haven’t done, or what got me to this point. The pity party today lasted about thirty minutes; just enough time to sift through some of the “Before” pictures, hide them in a folder … aptly named “My Fig Leaves”, and re-commit this journey to Him.

I have been staying on track: I go to the gym, I eat right, I study His word, meet and correspond with others on this weight loss journey, and do what I can to hear His message and share my interpretation with those that find this blog.

Despite the last twelve days of this journey being filled with growth and closeness to Him, I feel like I let him down….and I have had some experience with that. I know that He has used my past for his glory and I hope that this part of the journey will be one more thing we can look back on and laugh; “Hey Jesus, remember when I used to be that chunky girl and wasn’t as physically fit as you were making me spiritually fit? Yeah… that was a rough patch all right.” I know that everything that happens is just training for the plan he has for me but sometimes, that doesn’t make it any easier to go through.

I am not generally a fan of “The Message” translation but when reading Hebrews I couldn’t help but sit up straight as I read in Chapter 12:6-11 “God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; its training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later of course, it pays off handsomely, for its well-trained who find themselves in their relationship with God.”

I know that not completing “this training” is not an option. This isn’t just a 21 Day Challenge for me. This doesn’t end when the Made to Crave bible study is done in six weeks. This isn’t about the number on the scale or what size my pants are. This is about Him. This is about the plan he has for me and getting to the “After”….not just in a picture but to the other side of what he wants for me.

I have always wanted to please my daddy; wanting to make him proud of me and I know he is; he told me so not too long ago. Now, I want to make my father proud of me. I want him to elbow Paul and tell him “See, I always knew she had in her.” I can’t look at the pictures now and dwell on what was. I can only look ahead and promise to be better; to make changes and to cross that finish line with everyone cheering at the end. THAT is the image I now think about….while those “Before” pictures hide securely in their folder until the “Afters” are taken.

Day Twelve: Full vs. Fulfilled

Oh to be full….sometimes overstuffed being a better word. We eat everything on our plate because we don’t want good food to go to waste (no one ever eats the leftovers anyway) or, because when we were growing up our parents would tell us there were starving children in another country and they didn’t have enough to eat, or simply because it just tastes too good; let alone leaving room for dessert.

Thanksgiving is the perfect example; the biggest turkey we can find, three kinds of potatoes, two vegetables, three kinds of rolls, cranberries, salads, some kind of “fluff” whip cream and fruit, and endless sugary confections masquerading as desserts (made with love, of course). There are days of preparation of entirely too much food, hours of fellowship and football….and just minutes of a prayer of thanks to Him for providing.

We are full but not fulfilled.

How about this scenario: A typical day for a busy mom. Wake at 5:30a get breakfast, make lunches, get hubby and kids out the door, clean the house, grocery shop, maybe wash a couple loads of laundry, pick kids up from the bus stop, help with homework, make dinner, clean kitchen, bathe kids and put them to bed, and THEN sit down for a few minutes with her husband. He asks “How was your day?” Her reply “Oh…. It was a full day and now I am ready for bed.”…. just to do all over again.

Her day was productive. Her day was full. But not fulfilled.

See the difference for yourself.

Full:

–adjective

1.    completely filled; containing all that can be held; filled to the utmost capacity

2.    complete; entire; maximum

3.    of the maximum size, amount, extent, volume, etc.

Fulfill:

–verb (used with object)

1.    to carry out, or bring to realization, as a prophecy or promise.

2.    to perform or do, as duty; obey or follow, as commands.

3.    to satisfy (requirements, obligations, etc.)

4.    to bring to an end; finish or complete, as a period of time.

I love the story of Mary and Martha…having been both of them at various points in my life (and forever will be). “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

Martha was full. Mary was fulfilled.

Can you even imagine being a tattle tale to Jesus? I know I’ve done it. “It’s not fair. Why can she eat whatever she wants and I gain weight just by looking at the cheesecake?”

Jesus wants our hearts to be full more than our stomachs; food was meant to be sustenance not a substitute for so many other things. In Matthew 12:34-35 Jesus says “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored in him.”

Jesus reminds us that what we say reveals what is in our hearts. You must allow the Holy Spirit to fill you with new attitudes and motives; then your speech will be cleansed at its source. (New Life Application Bible)

I believe that if my heart is full of good and overflows; I can then fulfill what Jesus wants from me. To quote dictionary.com ….. to carry out His promise; to be more like him to others, to obey his commands and live by example as he would have done.

“I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filed to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19

We have all the fullness of God available to us but we have to get that fullness through faith and through prayer as we live for him, daily. We can ask the Holy Spirit to fill every aspect of our life to the fullest.

If we are filled in every aspect of our life….to the fullest, why would you ever want to be just “full”?

I want to be overflowing with love and faith in him….not overstuffed and ready for a nap.

Day Eleven: Weaknesses, Insults, and Hardships....Oh My

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Lysa opened her devotion today with this scripture and I was taken aback; not because it was the first time I had seen it or simply because Paul wrote it (and we know that he is my bible crush). Today while reading it for easily the hundredth time, I felt a stirring and overwhelming feeling of gratefulness. I have experienced the gift of grace from my parents and from Jesus; a gift I didn’t earn nor deserve…and I do believe wholeheartedly that His grace is sufficient for me BUT, it is what Paul continues on to say that makes me feel unworthy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel unworthy enough to give it back or not try…but in awe. Let me explain.

Before my relationship with Him I would have read the second part of this scripture VERY differently.

“For Christ’s sake…. Who would say they delight in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties?”

I always tried to take the easy way out of things. If I tried something and it was too hard for too long, I would stop and try doing something else….and the pattern continued until I found something I was good at and would just stay there; complacent. I can honestly tell you that I never delighted in anything and saw weakness as just that…a weakness. Before finding Jesus I used to judge others based on their appearances; how they dressed, the kind of car they drove, where they lived, and even weight. (Funny coming from a chunky girl, huh?) I never really got along with other women but if I did try to strike up conversations with any for a friendship, it was always based on how they could benefit me; sometimes just being a bigger size than me was enough…just to make me feel thinner and look better standing beside them. It sure was easier to play the “She’s bigger than me” game than it was to make a lifestyle change. I am certain that no one I did this to was delighting in their persecution or insults that soon followed.

Consider these scenarios:

·    You wake up in a full size bed, the other half empty and say: “I’m grateful I’m not married anymore because he chose partying over me”

·    You’re called into Human Resources and informed that you are another person laid off due to the economy. You smile and say “That’s okay; I knew it was a possibility. I’d love to tie up loose ends and finish out the week.”

·    You’re at a neighborhood pub for drinks when you decide to call it a night. Just 2 miles from home you are pulled over for drinking and driving and you say “Thank you for pulling me over officer, I don’t know who I might of injured if you hadn’t.”

·    You go in for a routine mammogram because it is Breast Cancer Awareness month. 8 Days later the Dr. calls you to tell say you have breast cancer. Your response: “Thanks for calling doctor. I look forward to starting chemo, getting sick, shaving my head, and getting my things in order.”

These aren’t situations that anyone wants to go through, nor do we strive to reach them. In fact, I would have to hazard a guess that not many would want any one of these things to happen to them if given the choice and no one would react to them as the scenarios demonstrated. I know that I didn’t when EVERY one of them happened to me.

But…it is all about perspective.

I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus when any of those things happened to me; and that’s not to say that just because I am a Christian, challenges don’t still come up. They do. Granted they are not near the doozies I illustrated above but there are still trials put into my life that I have to deal with. He doesn’t tell us that a relationship with Him will make everything easier but he does promise that he will never leave us regardless of the situation.  

I ask myself…. “If he can get me through all of those trials, how can he NOT help me through something as simple as losing weight and gaining faith in Him?”

There is a reason that each of us goes through what we do. We can’t give Him credit when things are going good and blame him when they are going bad; all is for His purpose no matter how hard it is to see as we are living it. (Like some seeing one image in the clouds on a spring day and others seeing something completely different.)

Because…it is all about perspective.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12  

These two scriptures were written by Paul AS he was going through the toughest times in his life. He had an easier life when he hated and killed Christians; and was even looked up to for it. After he became an apostle, many plots were made against him, especially by Jews who would stir the crowd and excite them when he was preaching. He was beaten more than once, and put in prison. He was persecuted in every one of his missionary journeys and during his first missionary journey, was nearly stoned to death by Jews for healing a crippled man. He was also put in prison while he was in Philippi and Jerusalem.

Even though Paul was persecuted and had a lot of reason to abandon his cause, he persisted with it.

When it comes to losing weight and being a healthier, happy, better version of yourself… wouldn’t it be great to give Him the glory for something so outwardly noticeable to others? Regardless of circumstances, shouldn’t we persist with it?

This week after I weigh in… when people ask me “How much have you lost?” I can’t wait to share with them just how much I have gained.

This “Made to Crave” bible study isn’t just about taking my life back physically but by giving my life back to the one that created me spiritually.

Day Ten: Oh..... to be Smitten

Things are always best in the beginning; Kids look forward to the first day of school and making new friends, teenagers excited to get their driver’s license to be more independent and help out the family, new job opportunities after college graduation, the build-up and excitement of first dates, the New Year’s Resolution to eat healthier and get fit, and even Adam and Eve had the best adventure in Paradise….in the beginning.

But then, the world sinks in. After about a week in school the kids are complaining they have to get up early, have too much homework, and nothing to wear; despite spending hundreds of dollars on school clothes. The teenager that was excited to get their license so they could run errands and help with carpool, is annoyed that mom runs out of milk so quickly and her sister always wants to pick the radio station on the way to school. The college graduate soon realizes that no amount of education could have prepared them for cranky and demanding bosses; long hours and the amount of their paycheck after taxes. First dates sometimes turn into seconds and thirds; even getting to marriage. At which point they discover they don’t have as much in common as they thought and soon find themselves watching different TV shows in separate rooms. The New Year’s Resolution goes strong for a few weeks; one trip to the organic grocery store and maybe five or six jaunts to the gym….sweating wasn’t what it was cracked up to be and they decided a size 14 was as good a size as any. Then there was Adam and Eve and we all know how that turned out

When Lysa mentioned being smitten in her devotion today, I knew that had to be a topic of discussion for me. She says: “Before I met my exercise-loving husband, I believed the only reason a person should sweat was if he or she was lying by the pool. But when I encountered Art, I temporarily changed my attitude. I was smitten. Oh, how I was motivated when I discovered that running was a fantastic way to spend more time with this man. However, on the first day of our honeymoon, when he woke up cheerfully and initiated an early-morning run, I thought, “Gracious, why would I want to do that? We’re married now.” And I didn’t run again for many years.”

I love the word “smitten.” I used it a lot when my husband and I were dating; and even a little while after we were married; admittedly….probably not as long as I should have. Even though I was, and still am, quite smitten with him; I just didn’t tell him like I used to and I stopped asking him if he was just as smitten with me. The definition of the word according to Dictionary.com is:

smit-ten: 

–adjective

1.    struck, as with a hard blow.

2.    grievously or disastrously stricken or afflicted.

3.    very much in love.

We are all smitten with things “in the beginning;” even our individual relationships with Jesus can be described that way. I received the very best of compliments this week at one of my bible studies. I was telling the story of David and Jonathan to another woman in our class as we were talking about friendships as described in Proverbs. Those that know me, know that when it comes to sharing stories of the bible or friendship, I tend to get very excited….add those two together and there is no stopping me. I was happy to tell the story of one of the greatest friendships given to us in the bible as if I was there to experience it firsthand. I said “I may be a Christian of just 16 months but I love it when we get to see these examples to live by and just can’t help myself when asked how I feel about this friendship.” Another woman asked me “How long did you say you were saved?” And I repeated … “16 Months.” (This is where the compliment comes in) She said: “Wow, that’s great…you still have your glow.”

That was probably the one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me and she probably had no idea just how much it meant to me, although looking back, I soooo should have told her.

I am “very much in love” with Jesus. The hope and promises that He gives to us. The ability to hit the reset button and know that failure is not final. “The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Psalm 37:23 …If my excitement and “smitten-ness” can be seen from the outside as a “glow” I am happy to continue glowing for him and not to have “Lost that Loving Feeling” (The Righteous Brothers circa 1964 never playing in the background.)

In the beginning, when we tend to be most smitten with someone we give gifts for no reason at all; hubby bringing home fresh flowers on the way home from work, a greeting card to a friend, or a trinket to let mom know you were thinking of her. Just as I continue to be smitten by Jesus, I am vowing to make this weight loss journey a gift to him…. while benefitting from it, myself. This is the first time that I have started a real life lifestyle change. This is not a resolution to “try and get through” or a diet that will allow me to lose the weight but not maintain it. This is a choice. This is an opportunity. This is my promise to Him just as he has given us so many promises and examples to learn from.

"Dear Jesus…. I promise to crave you more. Not just more than food, but more than money, more than stuff, and more than anyone else. I know that you paid a price for me and that this body is yours. I promise you that it will be taken care of like it has not been in the past and that my outside will match my inside, becoming the sanctuary you deserve."  Amen

“Do you not know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Day Nine: Step Away.....from the Peanut Butter

Many people lose weight to transform their lives. I shudder to think of all the “Before” and “After” pictures out there; the “After’s” inevitably being blonder and more tan. Because we live in a word that leads us to believe that if we are thinner we will be happier, get better jobs, always find the closest parking spot at the mall, and never have to worry about our bank accounts. Just like blondes can tell blonde jokes without offending each other (common knowledge for those of us that were born blonde); I can speak of the thinner must be better because I used to have the same mentality.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m tired of being the chunky girl for many reasons but I no longer think that losing weight is going to make me a better person and wash away my worries. The transformation for me began two years ago…from the inside and is working its way to the outside now. I have a history of doing everything to excess; multiple college degrees, over indulgent lifestyles, parties four nights a week, and having just one goal… to be the center of attention no matter where I was; even at my biggest weight of 265. Self-control was never something I was accused of having but I thought I was living a good life and wasn’t looking for any control of any kind from anyone.

Lysa talked about self-control in her devotion today and it had to passed along. “Self- control is hard. We don’t like to deny ourselves. We don’t think it’s necessary. We make excuses and declare, “That’s nice for someone else, but I could never give up _________________!” (fill in the blank, soda, sugar, cupcakes, smoking….)”

The first time I really surrendered to Him was my unwillingness to admit I had a problem with alcohol. The writing was on the wall several times in the last few years before crying “Uncle.” But when the choice was mine to give it up… I didn’t. Sure, I could take a few weeks off here and there but when I went back to my over indulgent ways, it was worse than the time before. It is no secret to my friends that it took a DUI in November of 2008 to turn my life around; the fact that it was just days before Thanksgiving was all the more ironic since I have done nothing but give thanks ever since. I even spoke the words she mentioned at an A.A. meeting, telling a room full of strangers “This is nice for you guys but not something I need. I am glad that “you people” have somewhere to go.”  Not one of my best moments. Needless to say surrendering was the furthest from my mind at that point.

We don’t give things up when they are ours to give, however….when they are taken from us in whatever circumstance, we learn to live without them and begin to see what is truly important. Getting that DUI humbled me beyond anything I had ever experienced but a year later I finally accepted a relationship with Jesus. (Who am I kidding… when I finally got the nerve to humble myself, I practically begged Him to come into my heart and give me a new start).

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” Romans 12:2

…..Changing the way you think.

Transformation isn’t about how much we weigh or what we will wear in our “Before” and “After” pictures but letting God transform us into a new person. However, He created us in his image and I am certain that he wouldn’t be happy about being out of breath as often I am, living in a three story condo.

Last week I counted gummy bears and snuck more than a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter; not at one time of course, but passing the pantry at least a tablespoon worth a day ….and still managed to lose 3.6 pounds at my weigh in yesterday; just another gift from Him, but...hey, I did do some of the footwork by hitting the gym.....just sayin'.

This week I am going to give my cravings to Him instead of giving in to them. This isn’t about the “Before” and “After” picture but remembering the before and wanting to give Him my Happily Ever After.

Day Eight: What a Difference a Decimal Point Makes

Today was my first weigh in; Day 7 of the Made to Crave 21 Day Challenge. I walked into Curves, sneakers in hand, and made a bee-line for the back of the gym where the digital scale awaited. I tried to be nonchalant as I approached; unsure of which way the numbers would go…remembering the gummy bears and occasional spoonful of peanut butter.  I stepped on the scale and thankfully it wasn’t like the crazy, jumping numbers on the Biggest Loser, but got straight to the point…..Drum roll please….. the digital numbers locked in at 220.2. After doing the math (223 – 220 = 3) I was good with the three pound weight loss. Not as much as I hoped for but, let’s face it… I wasn’t giving as much as I knew I could; not the case anymore with twice a day workouts.

I texted Lynnette before even beginning my workout to let her know the news. I promised her that she would be the first to know, except for Cardboard Jesus looking over my shoulder, of course. And, as a best friend does, she replied with the perfect response: “Good job! Muscle weighs more than fat… You are building muscle. : )” THAT is why I love her. Next text went to hubby in Oklahoma: “Congratulations. Great start. Keep up the good work. Love you.” And ya know what? If I had gained 3 pounds they would have been just as positive and proud of me for making the effort and giving my body as a living sacrifice, regardless of the numbers on the scale.

Because of the time difference between Michigan and California, and only that reason, mom was the last to know the news but I was elated to phone her and get the skinny on how Weight Watchers and weigh-ins work. She was proud of me but told me to be sure to use the point. Huh? She said that even a 0.2 weight loss was better than any weight gain. “But I just rounded the numbers to get my weight loss.” Apparently Weight Watchers uses the decimal point and guess what, so does Curves; so…. when I added the little dot, my weight loss skyrocketed. Okay, perhaps that is a bit lofty but I did go from 3 pounds lost to 3.6, and that means almost 4 in my mind.   =)

I am a Christian. I have an amazing relationship with Jesus and name drop him whenever I get the opportunity; sometimes even making them. But that doesn’t mean that a bit of friendly competition is out of the question, right? I love challenges that keep your momentum up and love getting goals given to me that I need to “step up” to make happen. When Lysa started a sentence of her devotion today with “I challenge you….” I literally perked up at my laptop.

“Today I challenge you to start a new cycle of making God your focus rather than food. Each time you crave something you know isn’t part of your plan, use that craving as a prompting to pray. I crave a lot. So I’ve found myself praying a lot.”

I am trying to follow Lysa’s example by being transparent, being bold, and stepping up to the challenge of making God my focus rather than food. The gummy bears are now part of the witness protection program and the peanut butter has left the building.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not craving carrot sticks and I have to trick myself into eating vanilla yogurt by adding Grape Nuts but there is a prize at the end of this journey and quitting is not an option. “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

When I work out I think about the prize, giving 110% every time, even though today was a bit tougher and I walk a little slower up the stairs to the shower. I do my best to work out as if my Cardboard Jesus really was looking over my shoulder or standing in front of me with the stopwatch.

“No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

Guess what? On the Weight Watchers program that I am on… I can have ALL the fruit I want!

Bring it on!

Day Seven: Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

(God's eye in the sky)

Growing up, I wasn’t really fixated on looks or what brand I wore but all that changed as an adult; kicking into overdrive after college and joining the Army. As a young single woman in the military; attention was not spared and I thrived on it….finding my first husband soon after. He was into the “looks” thing and I knew that but he was looking at me so it worked out; as long as I looked the way he wanted….hair color, clothing, or weight. It was then I realized that my value was not on the inside but in the packaging on the outside; it would be a very long time before I started to see my worth as something other than what my appearance portrayed.

Those were the days that I thought wearing a size in the double digits was the worst thing that could happen to me. I made sure I always wore makeup, even around the house. My hair was blonde and always done…just in case someone stopped by, which rarely happened but my husband liked me being cleaned up when he got home from work each night. But then he started coming home later and later and leaving for work earlier and earlier. It didn’t matter what I looked like, the color of my hair, or what I wore, his attention was elsewhere and I found myself home alone with three girls.

Fast forward a few years, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and as I sat alone in the hospital for chemo; my hair slowly thinning and falling out, my face emaciated, and my smile long gone I felt anything but beautiful. My mind flashed to the Mrs. Wisconsin trophy that sat dusty on a shelf in my room; now just a metal and marble reminder of what I no longer had. I didn’t have God in that moment and I wouldn’t have him for at least a decade. I use to wonder how I ever made it through so many things without him but then learned Jesus was with me all along just waiting for me to turn around and ask him for the forgiveness He so freely would have given at ANY moment.

After surviving that time of my life, I learned absolutely nothing and ran even further away from God….if that was possible; going from the proverbial frying pan to the fire. Beauty was still in the packaging and “stuff” I owned to accessorize was all that mattered. I didn’t feel beautiful but my pocketbook won friends, not real ones but the “yes” friends you think are fabulous until life takes a left turn. The party lifestyle, the worldly pursuits, and accelerated degeneration in relationships with my daughters were worse than any cancer ever experienced. It took a lot of ugliness to begin seeing the beauty that was possible. The drinking, snacking, and eating anything and everything had gotten the best of me; my weight skyrocketed to a crazy 265 pounds. I was now the super chunky girl that people would talk about: “She sure would be pretty if she would lose about 100 pounds. But she does have a …. (wait for it)…. great personality.” Who says words don’t hurt?

Lysa had great insight on “Finding Her Beautiful” in her devotion for today. (Which, by the way, ANYONE can sign up to receive. It is a 21Day Challenge that is completely separate of her book and participant guide…..which I highly recommend. But, as a starting point, please visit www.lysaterkeurst.com and click on the 21Day Challenge tab at the top. They’re great.)

Lysa says: “I don’t know a woman alive who is completely happy with her body. No woman I’ve met has ever said, “I eat healthy, I exercise, and I love the way I look 100 percent.” Not me, and I doubt you do either.”

“We tend to focus on what we see wrong with our bodies, including negative impressions and comments that stick with us from childhood. I’ve learned through God’s word that the body He gave me is good. It’s not perfect, nor will it ever be on this side of eternity. But my body is a gift, a good gift for which I can be thankful. Being faithful is taking care of this gift and walking according to God’s plan gives me renewed strength to keep a healthy view of my body.”

Who on earth would not take care of a gift given from God? I know, in the past, I was given many gifts from Him but never realized that is what they were. I just patted myself on the back for getting out of this situation or that; never once being thankful for the true giver. I now know from where my gifts come, even when wrapped up as a challenge or trial that needs to be overcome…including my weight. I know that I need to be faithful; taking care of this gift and doing what I can to get it back into shape…just has He has not given up in shaping me in His image.

Beauty is all around us. God created beauty everywhere we look. What does beauty in a person look like? God describes how man looks at beauty from an outward perspective but God views beauty inwardly. If we are in His image….shouldn’t we? Losing weight and getting more physically fit isn’t about fitting into a smaller size, although that will be a great perk. Getting my outside to match my inside is to show Him how much I appreciate the renewed strength he has given me and to get back that healthy view of my body. God made me a beautiful creation and the true beauty he sees in my heart. The heart of a person is expressed through how they act towards others and Him.

Now the whispers I imagine aren’t people talking behind their hands about how pretty I would be if I lost weight but Jesus saying: “You are altogether beautiful, my darling. And there is no blemish in you.” Song of Songs 4:7

Finding this study and making the decision to change my lifestyle, taking better care of the gift of my body that he has given me, is just a beginning to how I plan to continue giving back to Him.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder” has taken on a new meaning for me these days. It is no longer a flippant saying meaning that different people will find different things beautiful. I know that God is the “Beholder” and He sees beauty in ALL his creations… even me; especially me.

“And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.” Genesis 1:31