I hate to pick on her again…I really do. I think she got a bum rap because she was the first woman ever AND subsequently the first woman to make a mistake; and it was a doozy. When Adam and Eve ate off the forbidden tree, they committed their first sin against God – and what happened after that, set the tone for all of us. The bible tells us “then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Genesis 3:7) To think that just a chapter before in 2:25, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Why all of the sudden would they want to cover their nakedness when they had been running around totally naked in this garden for who knows how long before this transgression took place? Simply put… due to the fact that shame, guilt, and condemnation immediately set in the minute they committed their first sin and transgression against God. The instant this shame, guilt, and condemnation set in, they lost all of their childlike innocence and purity. And once they lost all of that…they then became self-conscious of their nakedness and then had to make an attempt to try and cover it up.
Shame, guilt, and condemnation are similar in that they all have to do with sin, in but different in degree, duration, and scope.
1. Shame is an intense feeling of angst that makes you wish you could evaporate; extreme humiliation and remorse; a despairing of life from abject embarrassment.
2. Guilt is realizing you have done wrong, usually for some particular sin.
3. Condemnation is being sentenced (convicted) for doing wrong.
Lysa spoke of a Tower of Impossibility today and, where I felt it was relevant to some, I had to backtrack to her devotion of Day 3 for my entry because shame was the feeling of the day. (Okay, not the whole day…but a good thirty minutes). Her entry stated: “More than once, I’ve held the latest, greatest, diet book in one hand with my other hand wedged into the back pocket of my ever-tightening jeans. But the thought of taking the plunge and signing up for another diet made me want to sit down and cry. I’d return the book to the shelf; toss my head back, and sigh, “Another day, another time. I’m doing the best I can right now.”
I took a series of “Before” pictures using the time delay feature on my camera last week BUT today was the first day I had time to view the pictures from their folder.
Wow.
THIS is why I know exactly what Eve felt like when she felt shame, guilt, and condemnation that day in the garden. The one thing I have figured out that maybe she hadn’t… God already knows and I can’t hide. No amount of “fig leaves” can hide what I thought I was hiding with my multiple layers of clothes I wear.
How did this happen? I used to be a size 8-10 and felt comfortable at that size. I weighed in at 265 pounds about two years ago, so I guess I got used to the 220 pound mark thinking it looked good enough for a while. Um… not anymore. I have been avoiding cameras for a while but today was a sharp reminder of why. Just like Eve… I have been making attempts to try and cover it up; both with humor and with t-shirts covered by long sleeves, covered by denim jackets or ski vests; depending on the season….(and don’t forget the scarves). I love layering because extra colors and patterns are who I am, but I would love to layer for that reason and not to hide what’s underneath.
I tried to justify that Jesus loves me just the way I am so I don’t have to worry about being the skinny Christian; and even believed it for a while. But He made me for more, and just like Eve, now that I realize it, I am completely shocked and embarrassed that I did this to someone who gave his life for me. Unlike Eve… I am not going to let this realization pull me further from Him but to make us closer.
Even though I am only thirteen days into this journey, it has been eye opening. I am brought to my knees and shown what I need to focus on…. Him; I am not to think of what I can’t have, what I haven’t done, or what got me to this point. The pity party today lasted about thirty minutes; just enough time to sift through some of the “Before” pictures, hide them in a folder … aptly named “My Fig Leaves”, and re-commit this journey to Him.
I have been staying on track: I go to the gym, I eat right, I study His word, meet and correspond with others on this weight loss journey, and do what I can to hear His message and share my interpretation with those that find this blog.
Despite the last twelve days of this journey being filled with growth and closeness to Him, I feel like I let him down….and I have had some experience with that. I know that He has used my past for his glory and I hope that this part of the journey will be one more thing we can look back on and laugh; “Hey Jesus, remember when I used to be that chunky girl and wasn’t as physically fit as you were making me spiritually fit? Yeah… that was a rough patch all right.” I know that everything that happens is just training for the plan he has for me but sometimes, that doesn’t make it any easier to go through.
I am not generally a fan of “The Message” translation but when reading Hebrews I couldn’t help but sit up straight as I read in Chapter 12:6-11 “God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; its training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later of course, it pays off handsomely, for its well-trained who find themselves in their relationship with God.”
I know that not completing “this training” is not an option. This isn’t just a 21 Day Challenge for me. This doesn’t end when the Made to Crave bible study is done in six weeks. This isn’t about the number on the scale or what size my pants are. This is about Him. This is about the plan he has for me and getting to the “After”….not just in a picture but to the other side of what he wants for me.
I have always wanted to please my daddy; wanting to make him proud of me and I know he is; he told me so not too long ago. Now, I want to make my father proud of me. I want him to elbow Paul and tell him “See, I always knew she had in her.” I can’t look at the pictures now and dwell on what was. I can only look ahead and promise to be better; to make changes and to cross that finish line with everyone cheering at the end. THAT is the image I now think about….while those “Before” pictures hide securely in their folder until the “Afters” are taken.
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