She Speaks Blog Entry: What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Having been a Christian for just 17 months; reaching out to help women was not something I dreamed of doing, growing up. Like most girls in my generation (which shall remain nameless), school teachers, secretaries, and housewives were at the top of the lists. I grew up in and out of churches because my parents went but I never got to a point where I wanted a relationship of my own. I was a follower in those days; moving from clique to clique but not belonging to any. I graduated high school early to check out college and then off to the Army; without a clue but completely fearless in finding out.

I wanted to be a teacher growing up. Then it was a fashion designer. Then it was an Airborne Combat Medic in the Army. Then it was a nurse for a plastic surgeon. Then it was working for a racing team in NASCAR. Then it was being a Personal Assistant for a variety of companies… Harley Davidson, Miller Brewing, and JD Power and Associates to name a few. This isn’t my resume but proof that I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up….until Jesus came along.

When I left home, it was the beginning of a twenty year road trip without looking back. I took the scenic route; getting married, having three daughters one year after the other, and getting breast cancer. For more reasons than I could list in a “Why do you Wanna go to the She Speaks Conference” kinda blog, I definitely needed a detour. Packed up a UHaul trailer and moved to another state and another husband, still not even looking around to see if that guy Jesus was comin’. I didn’t need him. Life was good. I had survived and I was going to spend the rest of my life celebrating until the celebrating got out of hand and then my story shifted gears….  two husbands, two states, and two DUIs. (Okay… now I’m lookin’ for Jesus).

I knew who He was and was pretty sure He knew me but it was like a High School reunion and neither of us were seeking each other out. I used to pray to him when I got into trouble; which, let’s face it…was more often than I care to admit. I prayed the “Dear Jesus, if you get me out of this one I promise to ___________" prayer. He would show up, get me out of whatever mess I had gotten myself into and I would be on my way, having no intention of fulfilling the promises made. I guess I didn’t want to be trustworthy when I grew up either (how is that for a sad realization?)

But one mess after another and I finally got the message; Jesus was the only way for me. I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up….it took me until the age of 40 but I figured it out. I wanted to be forgiven. I wanted to be saved. I wanted to go home again, even if I hadn’t been there in 20 years. I wanted to be like my mom and use her as an example to live a Christian life. I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I wanted to be a Cheerleader for Jesus. (And cheerleaders need to go to Cheer Camps to hone their skills and talents... "She Speaks" is sooooo my Cheer Camp. I'll bring the pom poms).

I wondered if I had waited too long in asking Him into my heart. I wondered how He could forgive me when I couldn’t even forgive myself. I wondered how someone like Him could ever want someone like me. But it worked out and I don’t know how I could have gotten through the next two years without Him. Two of my three daughters weren’t speaking to me, I lost my job, was in and out of court for the DUIs, took a six month hiatus in California (doozy part of this journey to be shared at the conference…. I promise), more job layoffs and economic downturns, and moving to a new city in the middle of winter; no jobs, no friends, no family, and no bank account. Just living by faith and footwork and we were thankful for it.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Philippians 4:12

Of course Paul had to be part of this blog entry. It is my crush on him that has made me even hungrier for the word. When I was in California, apart from my husband, and friends, and church for six months… I turned to my bible. It was more than it had ever been to me before. It wasn’t a history book or even love letters from God… it was like my own personal “Narnia”. I read with fervor and felt like I was literally there for each story being told. I joke that reading anything from Romans to Hebrews is like “The Bachelor.” I know, that just like “The Bachelor” there are others that he is wooing but I feel like they are all for me. (They say that Hebrews is an unknown author but if you knew Paul like I do, you would say it is him without a doubt…. And is it a coincidence that all of the letters he wrote are in a row and Hebrews just happens to be the last one? I don’t think so). But… back to my own reality. I truly believe that, despite writing those letters to others, he was speaking to me….his words not missing a beat as he describes his emotions, regardless of where they were written from.

It was because “He Speaks” that I want to attend “She Speaks.” The power of communication to spread His word is unmatched; whether we are learning to convey a story to a crowd for 45 minutes at a time from a stage or compelling audiences to turn the page to see what happens next in a story that could be any one of us; I know that this is His plan for me and I need to take action. Jesus always says to me...."Be bold. Be transparent. Be the spokesperson I created you to be."

There is a scene from the Breakfast Club at the end of the movie. All day long on a Saturday, five kids from different walks of life, each thinking they are individuals with nothing in common….had to spend the day in the library for detention. Their assignment was to write an essay telling the teacher who they were.

Much like the movie, we all think we are individuals, each having a situation that was especially unique to just us; the “no one else could possibly know what I was going through” mentality.

I am thrilled to say that Jesus helps to bridge that gap and I know that a conference like this one is THE best tool I can have in being the messenger for Him.... and making that happen in my little corner of the world.

In the movie, it ends with just one letter being written simply saying: “You can see us how you want to see us…but in the simplest terms, by the most convenient of definitions, what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a loner, a princess, and a criminal.”

I want to be able to bridge the gap and help women tell the world “You can see us how you want to see us; divorced, depressed, addicted, lost, broken, sad or abandoned. But with Jesus and the people He puts in our paths, we know that each one of us can overcome anything that comes our way.”

As the Prodigal “Son” that returned home both literally and spiritually, I like to think that Jesus, and maybe Paul and Barnabus too… are hanging out in heaven watching the things we have gotten through together and Jesus saying: “Looks like we’re going on a road trip to North Carolina boys.” To which Paul replies: “Shotgun."