At first glance, indulge seems like a great word. I can indulge in a day at the spa; a treat with friends, a reward. I can indulge in great conversation with my mom about everything and nothing at all, on a daily basis. I can even indulge in quiet time, my favorite book, or devotion with Jesus. But there is a fine line between indulge and over-indulge and you don’t see it comin’
- verb (used without object)
1. to yield to an inclination or desire; allow oneself to follow one’s will: Dessert came, but I didn’t indulge.
- verb (used without object)
1. to yield to, satisfy, or gratify (desires, feelings, etc.): to indulge one’s appetite for sweets.
2. to yield to the wishes or whims of; be lenient or permissive with: to indulge a child.
Growing up, I was not over-indulged. We always had our needs met but we didn’t get things for the sake of getting them. As a parent, however, that was not the case; over- indulging my three daughters in ridiculous ways. I wasn’t a great parent but I thought I could buy their love, and even felt it worked for a little while; name brand clothing, new cell phones every couple of months, thousands of dollars on birthday parties, even cars. I wish I could do it all over again because I know now that the best love I could have given them was to comfort them, care about them, listen to them, and be there for them no matter what. I have also learned that you can’t turn back the clock….but I do try to make up for lots of things I messed up on. I can’t change the past but my realizations and actions now, have a direct reflection on the future.
When we indulge, we gratify our own feelings and desires; regardless of those around us, satisfying an immediate need or want, regardless of the rippling consequences that follow. When I stopped indulging my daughters, I turned all of my attention to the worst person I could have…. Me. If I thought my over-indulging of my daughters was bad, ignoring them to pursue my own personal needs was even worse but I was so blinded by my own wants that I was always able to justify everything. I even went so far as to blame those around me for “letting me” do the things I was doing. Who am I kidding? If anyone had tried to stop me from “indulging” I would have packed my very fashionable bags and gone on to someone else who wouldn’t.
I had THE biggest inclination and desire to allow myself to follow MY will. God gave us freewill. He wants us to have the ability to choose. He just always hopes that we make the right choices with Him at the center. I am certain that each time I made a decision that didn’t include him or, at the very least, do the right thing…he cringed a little and then said “Well, I’m sure she’ll get it next time.” Only there were many more “next times” before I started putting Him first. Thankfully, Christ died for our sins so that we may have eternal life and don’t get the punishment we deserve for the things that we do; always getting the opportunity to hit the reset button.
Today Lysa’s devotion was right where I was. I have been thinking a lot of my past behaviors and the consequences that followed them; leaving home the way I did, the way I raised my kids, the failed marriages, and the rollercoaster of weight loss and physical activity. She spoke of the “G” Word. Without looking at much more than the title I immediately thought “God” or “Grace” or “Gullibility” (Yeah, that last one is a weird one but I have been reading a lot lately and discovered just how gullible I truly was until finding Jesus, so I definitely put it in my top three “G” words that she could have been referring to.) Anyway… her word was “Gluttony.” I liked my words better… not so “dark.” But when she continued on, I knew that she was “spot on” again.
Gluttony = excessive eating and drinking and is one of the seven deadly sins. She says: “Indeed, our souls are thirsty and ravenous vacuums. If we fail to fill our souls with spiritual nourishment, we will forever be triggered to numb our longings with other temporary physical pleasures that will never satisfy.”
Oh my gosh… “numb our longings with other temporary physical pleasures that will never satisfy.” (Ding ding ding)
I was constantly looking for the next best thing, never being fulfilled but constantly trying to patch the holes in my self esteem. Buying a purse for $500 because I didn’t like my weight and thought accessories would make me feel better…since shopping for clothes was out of the question. Buying things to decorate my house and trying to pretend I was something I wasn’t; overextending myself to pretend there was more in the bank account than there actually was. Gluttony is excessive eating and drinking, of which I was guilty but I took it a step further and indulged in anything and everything, leaving others to “fend for themselves” in my wake.
Lysa was right… I was failing to fill my soul with spiritual nourishment and the emptiness was never sated for any length of time; just like eating Chinese food…. I love it at the time, but find myself hungry again an hour later.
Since finding Jesus I strive for spiritual nourishment every day. I indulge in all that he gives to me and I am thrilled to pass it along at any given opportunity; even if that means He and I make our own.
I love the idea of a spiritual buffet and am no longer satisfied with fast food takeout.
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