When I was out there doing whatever I wanted, completely disregarding others no matter who got hurt or who felt left out, I was in my own little playground. I didn’t have just one but several in various cities. I even thought that changing the scenery from Wisconsin to Michigan when I moved would do the trick; it was the same playground equipment just a new address. I thought I was getting a new start when in reality I just changed my zip code. I lived the same way I always had but it had gotten out of control; feeling more entitled than I did before because now I had new playmates…people that didn’t know me so I could be fabulous and larger than life wherever I went. No one knew about past drama or lies I told. No one had a clue that my husband and I struggled or that two of my daughters weren’t even speaking to me. I was able to reinvent myself to be whatever I wanted to be. But it wasn't pretty.
On my playground there were slides (wavy and spinning….out of control), monkey bars (holding on for dear life not knowing what would be at the bottom when I fell ….this time), awnings to hide under (but never for long enough), and precarious bridges (that bounced around with someone doing all of the controlling on the other end). I knew I didn’t belong there anymore when I sobered up and my “playmates” didn’t. I tried to change my life but they made me feel like I was leaving all the fun behind. The bright colored toys and promises of good times that couldn’t be had anywhere else. When I was in the beginning of my sobriety and figuring out what I could and couldn’t handle, I kept hanging around the playground but not going on anything. I would go to those same bars with the same playmates, telling myself that I could still make it work but do my own thing….but who was I kidding. One “friend” would be swinging up and down, taunting me with my favorite shots. Another “friend” sat at the top of the slide telling me how much better it was from “up here” but the only way to get the “up here” feeling was to drink until I didn’t remember how much I had spent to get that way.
It became clear that I had to change my playground and it wasn’t just location…since I had tried that before and all it did was open up different opportunities with new friends but the same end result.
I found God but somehow I still thought there was more to it. Praying and going through the motions but not really having faith or wanting to get out of my comfort zone. I thought I got lucky and found an awesome new husband to rescue me from the "mean kids on the block" but I realize now there was no luck involved. Jesus stopped by that winter morning while I had coffee at Starbucks and knew it would be a perfect way to meet the man that would help me change my playground physically AND mentally.
We changed our location from one city to another but only after accepting a relationship with Him. We knew then that it was more than a choice but something that was completely necessary. Not only did we need to change our playground, we needed to change the people we played with; stop pretending to be something we weren’t and make a difference one person at a time…showing others that if God could do some amazing things in our lives simply by “changing our playground,” maybe he could do the same in theirs if given the opportunity.
My daughter changed her playground but went from bad to worse. The new “kids” that she found to play with were fun for a while but then she moved on to another set; then another, and then another…until it wasn’t fun anymore. Thankfully she realized it much sooner than I did and she came home; first physically, then mentally, and then spiritually.
I doubted that I could do much because I was just one person. I promised her that I really had changed and I apologized for my past actions but I had done that countless times before so she didn’t believe me. The credit for the differences she saw cannot be given to anyone other than Jesus. He picked me up and showed me the way that no other could. It was only Him that allowed her to see an example in me and make some tough decisions for herself…having to get through some hard times to get a reward at the end. It has been overwhelming to see the transformation that He has done in her life and it is a great feeling to hear her say “I’m proud of you mom.” I never thought that mattered or that I needed to hear it…but my heart was overflowing. When she decided to stay in Michigan instead of going back to her ways, I didn’t think I could be happier….until…she said that she wanted to give someone else the same opportunities that we had given to her.
Her friend needed to change her playground. She had gotten into some trouble and seemed to be lost; moving from one place to another, clothes in the trunk of a car, a borrowed pillow on the couch for a bed, and mounting court troubles. Her parents had moved out of state for jobs, none to be had in our state for their skills. I don’t know why she didn’t go with them, perhaps friends, or security, or maybe just fear of starting over. But…we knew that if we could get her to change her playground…God could work in her life. After a few phone calls and a couple of weeks it was decided she would live with us in Plymouth until the girls could get a place of their own. Within one week, she had landed a job, signed up for service hours and completed six of them, got another job interview for a second job, began owning her past by attending court, and making the decision to get through the sandbox to get to the rewards that awaited her on the other side. Like me, her playground wasn’t the issue, always. She could take it or leave it but when she played…she played hard, and it has cost her a year of her life in making one bad decision after another. She had to realize what she was worth and do something to make that happen.
One change in me had a domino effect to my daughter, and now to her friend. But it doesn’t end there.
Since realizing what potential she has and making the decision to be a grown up, changing her playground to another with new “kids to play with” she has decided to pay it forward and try to offer some opportunities to a friend from her old playground…who was left behind. She is broken but not forgotten. She has a past but it does not define her. She is seeking answers and just needs a break. A break that now, the newest of playmates, wants to offer. I talked with her on the phone today and told her the story of the Lost Sheep. God is happy will all one hundred sheep but when one strays…he goes after him. Sure, he could say “Hey, I still have ninety-nine that have always done what they were supposed to, I can afford to let one go.” But he doesn’t. He goes after the one that strays because He knows just how important he is and what he is capable of and then has a party when he returns to the flock.
I no longer judge the one that strays; trying to make myself look better. I don’t compare myself to the ninety-nine that were perfect and did everything they were supposed to do the first time. But, instead…. I am grateful that my Father is a loving God that does not give up on us, but gives us the opportunities to change our playgrounds and pave the way for others.
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