Goodbye Triston

Born: June 29, 2010

Taken to heaven: November 22, 2010          

Through tear filled eyes I look at pictures of a boy just one week shy of his five month birthday. A boy I never knew but heard so much about. He was the son of a friend of my daughters; she and her husband just barely 21 and serving in our military. This son; her only son; was the joy of her life. She says she believes in God and as I sit here praying for her…I hope she does more than believe. I pray that she and her husband find strength and peace in knowing God has a plan for Triston. His father being deployed and not present when he was taken from life support at 8:30am today.

There are many unanswered questions and the biggest one escaping their lips is “Why him….why OUR baby?” It was just five days ago that he was found in a crib; not breathing. After the doctors examined him and connected him to machines, it was merely a matter of time before they told her… “It is SIDS…Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.” One minute he was there and the next his lifeless body was taken to heaven. She sat there; tears in her eyes; streaming down her cheeks; her hair sweating and clinging to her forehead. She looked at his face, refusing to let go of her son as he lied in her lap one last time. She is truly alone now, her husband halfway around the world and her son taken to heaven.

I pray for her and her family. I wish I had answers when they say things like “If there is a God, how could he do this? He was so little and never sinned. Why my son?” I struggle as I think to myself, “God has a plan for Triston and he needed him more than we did right now”….but it sounds contrite and I can’t even find the nerve to send that message in an email.

I tell everyone that I talk to Jesus every morning over coffee. Sure…we talk much more than that but that is our wake up time. I love to pray and talk with him before my day gets going because I promise to give it all to him and take whatever comes my way with faith that He will get me through it. I woke up this morning and prayed for Triston and his family; still uncertain as to what miracle would come through. But….what will I say to Jesus tomorrow over coffee? I am sure I will cry. I imagine he will hug me and tell me it will be okay. He will tell me how happy Triston is now and his parents will be just fine it if they have faith in him. I imagine sobbing into his robe as he holds me. He tells me to be strong and be there for them if they need me; and they will. He doesn’t make me stop crying but instead holds me tighter with each wave of sobs that escapes me. I look up at him and say nothing but he already knows my heart and smiles as only he can.

I want this conversation…not for me, but for Triston’s family. I want to share Jesus the way I know him and hope that they don’t blame him for taking their son from them so soon and so suddenly. I am very protective of Jesus and want to say something profound so they will know that it is for some greater good but I find myself drawing a blank; saying simply “You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for strength, peace, and understanding for your family through this very difficult time.” People always say “I will pray for you” or “You are in my prayers.” Do they mean it or is that just what you say when you don’t know what to say? I felt as if they may not believe me but lump me in with other well-wishers. I want to say “No… really. I WILL PRAY for you.” “I will have a personal conversation with Jesus over coffee tomorrow and I will ask him “WHY?”

My heart is overflowing with sorrow for a boy and his family I never met but only heard of from my daughter or befriended with one line conversations over facebook. And in that very moment, I am grateful. My family and I have gone through a lot over this past year and YET we are all still alive. My oldest that isn’t talking to me is alive and there is hope that we can reconcile our relationship. My middle daughter has just experienced the death of a loved one a month ago and has come to the realization that life is too short to not say “I love you” or “I miss you” and now she does nearly every day and is coming home for two weeks at Christmas. My youngest is thankful for the opportunities she has and is grateful for the same rules and structure now…that she stormed away from just eleven months ago. I STILL have my daughters and the hope that God is working in them and doing amazing things. I feel for this family and all that lies before them; in the coming days, weeks, and months. But I know, that just as God used all of the things in my past that I NEVER thought I could get through…for his glory; he will find a way to have this tragic event work in this family. It is IMPOSSIBLE to understand as we are put to these tests but He reminds us that we don’t have to figure it out, we just can’t “check out.” It will not be easy but he promises he is there every step of the way; even if we don’t seek him out. Even if we don’t think he could possibly want anything to do with us. Even if we blame him for everything we are going through because there couldn’t possibly be a God that would let this happen.

He never leaves us. He NEVER leaves us.

Goodbye Triston. You are loved and will be missed. Maybe one day Jesus will bring you by for coffee and you can tell your mom just how happy you are.