Monday, November 1, 2010

Missing You


“The Lord watch between me and thee, while we are
absent one from another.”  
Genesis 31:49
I have been apart from my husband for 146 days, and have 32 more days before Jesus brings us together again.
I haven’t seen, or heard from my oldest daughter (21) in 669 days, and haven’t an idea when her heart will allow that to change.
I have had an intermittent ‘text only’ relationship with my middle daughter (20) for 626 days that has only just recently changed to a single phone call.
I miss them all in different ways but something happened to our family this weekend to make me ask the question: “Would I have done anything differently with each of them if I knew it was going to be the last time we would see or speak with each other?” The answer was a resounding YES to them all.
Let me explain.
It was 1am when I packed up my pink suitcase covered in white polka dots; to catch a plane at 10am. I had already arranged to have a friend pick me up since saying goodbye to my husband was going to be hard enough at home, let alone him missing a morning of work to cry with me at the airport check-in. Our marriage had been strained the last few weeks before my heading to California. I was worried about leaving for California with things being as they were and I asked Robbe and God to please fix things. I prayed for a husband that wouldn’t take me for granted. Was he no longer interested in me as he had been just 8 months before when we married? I prayed for a husband that would live more as a Christian and not just go to church on Sundays; a husband that would lead our household as a Christian…by example; getting involved with the church more, finding a men’s group to go to like I had my women’s bible studies. I prayed and I prayed but nothing seemed to change. And then I was on a plane headed for California. We knew I would be gone for at least one month and thought it could have been two. Never in a million years did we think we would be apart for six months but here we are.
I prayed specifically for what I wanted for my husband, and for us as a family, I guess I just expected him to wake up one day and be changed…and when that didn’t happen, I thought God wasn’t listening. I cried and cried in those weeks before boarding the plane and wondered what would happen if all I had were these negative feelings to take with me and not spend my time remembering the good times we had. Be careful what you pray for because He always answers the prayers but it may not be the way we would want and in our case… that couldn’t be more truthful. He finally answered them, in His time; not mine. And he answered them the way He knew they had to happen; not the way I wanted.
The longer we were apart, the more my husband realized what he had in me and our relationship. He started communicating with me more, sending me emails every morning, just because. He joined a men’s only small group and actually spoke up and asked for prayer each week; praying for me in California and for us when I returned. He also became a part of the Creative Ministry team and is now building sets for our church services and events. I know now that this turn of events and this evolution in him as a Christian couldn’t happen with me at home. God knew that it had to be his timing and he just wasn’t ready in the one or two months we hoped it could be. There were many things that were left unsaid before I left and we have had moments of doubt and insecurity until we were reminded again that God was working overtime in the background. No matter how faithful I claimed to be, Satan was still trying to prove to me that my God was forgetting about me and truly didn’t want my happiness. “How can you be happy apart from your husband so long? If your God was so great, wouldn’t he have gotten you back to him sooner than 178 days?”
Would I have done anything differently if I had known we would be apart so long? Absolutely. I would have had more faith that God was listening. I would have continued to tell my husband I loved him and not isolated from him pretending it didn’t matter. I would have told him that I was going to fight for him and wait as long as it took for him to see all that I saw in him. In the time that we were apart, God showed me that perhaps I had taken him for granted too and tried to control things that I should have given to Him. I can’t wait to get home and put into practice all those things that God has put on my heart as well. I am grateful for that opportunity.
“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Ephesians 5:23
When we moved as a family from Wisconsin to Michigan in 2008, my oldest daughter didn’t want to come with us so I got her an apartment, helped her decorate, furnish, and pay the bills ahead a bit and then left her behind. But before doing so I said something horrible that she has never let me forget. I told her, “I hope that this doesn’t work out and you fail miserably.” Yeah… I said that. My intent was not malicious but merely a mom speaking out of fear that my oldest didn’t want to come with us and wanted to be on her own. It was hard to swallow. She gave me a look that could kill and I immediately apologized and justified what I had said by telling her “I just meant that if this doesn’t work out, you will come to Michigan and live with us. Get an apartment there, closer to me.” Little did I know that she couldn’t wait to see the back end of my car pulling out of her apartment complex and the left blinker blinking, with us heading to Michigan. That was May.
Our relationship was strained but not absent entirely until I sobered up and tried to make amends with her. She was angry and spoke with such venom over the phone. She blamed me for so much that it was hard to take and I definitely wasn’t ready for all that was talked about in the span of ten minutes. Looking back now, I know I jumped ahead in those steps and as ready as I thought I was; I wasn’t. It was still all about me and trying to make myself feel better. I thought I could just apologize, have it be accepted, and move on. I didn’t plan on my apology not being accepted or those fateful words, me wishing she would fail, coming to haunt me again. We are a lot alike and it was never more apparent than that conversation 669 days ago.
She moved and did not give me her address and swore her sisters to secrecy. Same with her telephone number. She has had a couple of them and always with the same instructions “Don’t give it to mom or I will change it and not even give you the new number.” I have sent her emails, all going unanswered. I can only wish her a Happy Birthday by continuing to send them but can’t even mail a gift or card since I don’t have her address. I request her to be friends on facebook but she denies them like clockwork each month; but I don’t give up…the latest email being sent just last week.
I heard from my youngest that she is getting married to her boyfriend of three years. She has no desire to invite me to the wedding and has already begun making plans and picking out the dress and decorations with her future mother-in-law. I pray for her always and ask that God watch over her the way I know my mom prayed for me; it took 22 years for me to come around. I hope and pray that it doesn’t take my daughter that long.
Would I have done anything differently if I had known we would be apart so long? Absolutely. I would NEVER have said that I hoped she would fail to begin with. And, I definitely would have waited to make amends until I was ready to handle the option of that apology NOT being accepted. I pushed her too far. I pushed her too hard. I continued to make it about me and never really took her feelings into account. Now she is getting married and isn’t even entertaining the idea of asking me to come to it. I know that God has a plan for both of us and even though I am ready and willing to see what that plan might be, I pray extra for her since she questions His existence. I can only lead by example and not the example I once led before knowing Him. Despite being in two different states, I am hopeful that can still happen because I know that with Him anything is possible.
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
My middle daughter dropped out of college shortly after her first semester. She was well on her way to transfer to University of Michigan to study architecture when she met a guy online. He was in the Navy and stationed in California. Within the month, she was moving out to be with him no matter what anyone had to say. I was angry and couldn’t have been more disappointed, but I was going through a divorce and had problems of my own without having to worry about her. Yeah. I think I even said that out loud too. She couldn’t pack fast enough and took just what would fit in two pieces of luggage and sold the rest; vowing to pick her car up later, when she got settled. She followed through.
She didn’t respond to text messages very often and I could never get her to respond to an email. I heard she was going to change her number and not share it but I was bound and determined to try and keep some control over her, even though I already knew how well that works out. (It doesn’t.  I just couldn’t let go)
Three months later while “creeping” on her facebook, I found out she was married. She and the guy she moved out to be with married before he was deployed to Afghanistan. She said that she knew I couldn’t fly out to see her in California anyway so she didn’t see the harm in not telling me about the wedding. If they had a big wedding later, maybe I could come to that one….adding salt to the wound. She was too busy partying and living her life the way she wanted to worry about a mom that had ignored her much of her teen years; albeit not intentional. I had a drinking problem and even when I wasn’t drinking I had the “Don’t you know who I am?” disease. I felt entitled to everything and no matter what I got it was because I was fabulous and deserved it; giving no one credit for anything ever.
Her husband went to Afghanistan and just a month before his return they decided it wasn’t going to last and when he came home, she was gone; moving back to Wisconsin to be near her sister and dad she left behind in May. Her partying spiraled out of control and I could do nothing but sit by and watch the updates and pictures show up online; wondering how I could have messed up so badly by the example I led for so long. She, like me, felt entitled to do what she was doing and I could just watch helplessly…dreading the phone call that something had happened to her. Only to realize, I wouldn’t even be the one getting the phone call since I doubted I was her “In Case of Emergency” contact.
Then again, just like my mother prayed for me and I prayed for my oldest, I now prayed for my middle daughter; holding my breath and trying to hold in my tears. She too doesn’t believe in God and I am certain that my beliefs and examples had something to do with that. I believed in God but never had a relationship with Him. He was just someone to pray to when I found myself in trouble I couldn’t get out of…. “Dear God, if you get me out of this I promise to……….” He would and then I would go on my merry way, believing I had gotten out of this situation or that all by myself. I imagine my daughters doing the same but they may not even go that far.
Would I have done anything differently if I had known we would be apart so long? Absolutely! I would have done whatever I could to talk WITH her and not AT her before she left for California. I would have taken less time for myself and focused on her. I would have told her how much she means to me and be there for her as a “mommy” like I used to be when they were younger. I would have made her feel like she had a home to come home to if/when things didn’t work out the way she hoped. Instead…when it didn’t work out, she went home to her dad whom she hadn’t lived with since she was 7 when we divorced. That should have told me plenty if nothing else did. I was not the place she came to for refuge when her world was crumbling around her and even though she heard of my lifestyle change she was unwilling to believe it since I promised to change in the past and never did.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
Now back to this weekend….
My middle daughter was due to go to a college town to spend the Halloween weekend. She went last year and posted pictures and comments in the weeks leading up to and following the party weekend. I had to stop torturing myself by looking at each and every posting; worrying more and more with each one. “Please Jesus, watch out for her like you did for me all of those years where I thought I knew better. Walk into every situation first and cover her with strength and awareness that she would not have on her own…. Amen. Oh…P.S. remind her to text me on Monday when she gets in so that I know she is safe and sound, at least until the next weekend, when I will want her to do this all over again……Amen”
A few weeks ago she began posting that the holiday weekend was fast approaching and she was looking forward to it. My heart sank but I commented that I wanted her to have a good time but “Mommies worry”. I asked her to check in with me when she returned and told her that I would pray for her this weekend as I do for every weekend. No comment.
On Saturday, I texted her phone and wished her a safe and happy weekend. Reminded her again to please check in when she got back because I would continue to worry without it. She responded immediately (which never happens). “I’m not going anymore.” My heart leapt out of my chest so ecstatic to escape a weekend not worrying about her drinking too much, being taken advantage of or in an accident somewhere but then I replied, “Why not? I thought you were really looking forward to it. Is everything okay?” Just as quickly as she responded to my first text, she texted back again… “No.” I picked up the phone and dialed her number; the first phone call I dared to make since she moved out over a year ago…waiting for her to make the first move. When that didn’t happen I had patience and put it in His hands….until now. She was “NOT” okay and I went into “Mommy Mode.”
As I dialed the phone, Satan was with me, taunting me to hang up; assuring me she wouldn’t answer anyway. After two rings she answered with tears in her throat and a muffled “Hi mom”. Before I could finish asking her what was wrong she began sobbing on the other end of the phone. I kept repeating, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” Until she said “My friend died, mom. He’s dead.” We talked a few minutes more. Turns out he was more than a friend and they had been dating two months. She was finally starting to be happy, feeling she deserved better. She told me he went to college in Illinois and drove to see her in Wisconsin every weekend; texting each morning and each night before going to bed. He didn’t text on Thursday or on Friday and then she got a telephone call from his mom. He had been out drinking on Wednesday night with friends and drank too much. When I asked how he died, she said simply and sadly. “He drank himself to death.”
The feeling I had of Satan in the car with me before dialing her number could not have been further away. I now felt God wrapping his arms around me and hoped that my daughter allowed herself to feel the same. I could not wrap mine around her personally and had to wonder if she would even let me had we been in the same zip code. I felt for her as I could hear her heart breaking with each breath in and cry coming out. She was broken and she was alone and there was nothing I could do about it BUT she was letting me talk with her on the phone and I was sorry for his family but found myself more grateful than ever for mine. These were baby steps but they were steps in the right direction. “Lord please watch over this family that lost a son, a grandson, a brother. He was only twenty and it will be hard to explain to my daughter how there is a God and He could allow this to happen but I am up for the challenge. I will tell her that you are the master creator and have a purpose for everything. I will tell her that you have a plan to do good works in her and perhaps her going through this will help others that find themselves in this situation. I am thankful, Lord, that you did not take her in the same way when I know you could have so many times. Please give her strength and peace as she goes through this. Please surround her with friends that will envelope her and show her she is not alone no matter how much she tries to isolate herself. I pray that you are with the family of this boy and even though this was the most tragic of circumstances, I thank you for opening her heart enough to answer the phone when I called…..Amen.”
I miss my husband and all of my daughters. But I am reminded that I still have hope because there is still opportunity for them to answer an email, pick up the phone, or even accept a friend request. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3
My daughter did not know that last weekend would be the last time she would see her boyfriend. My daughter does not have an opportunity to tell him one last thing, assure him of her feelings or promise to see him next week.
Who in your life could you be taking for granted? Who are you not forgiving but waiting for them to come to you? What circumstance seems so unbearable that you have walked away without turning back?
God puts people in our paths for a reason. I am grateful for those that have crossed mine in the past two years and I know that if it weren’t for those people, I still would not be able to give forgiveness and grace, had it not been extended to me first.
I told my daughter that I pray for her always and shared the prayer with her to pray also; “May the Lord watch between you and me when we are apart from each other.” Genesis 31:49
I now know that I have gone through the trials I have so that I may help others to see what is available in Him. To show them what God has done for me and how we can never be too late, too bad, too old, or too young. He will use it all for His glory and purpose.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

2 comments:

  1. Thank you, my dear friend, for sharing your life with us. You have grown so much in the short time that I have known you. You are a true inspiration to all of us.

    Perseverance is the word I would use to describe this season!

    Hugs,
    Lynnette

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  2. Romans 5:3

    Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

    Woohoo....

    Gimme a "J", Gimme an "E"..... (You know the rest)

    =D

    ReplyDelete