I Wish I Would Have Tried Harder

How many conversations have started with “If only I had done…….”  or “I should have, could have or would have had......” or “Next time it will be better because…….”

Being a Christian doesn’t eliminate doubt although it should because acting more like Christ eliminates doubt and replaces it with faith. I do practice faith as best I can but, let’s face it…it is nowhere near “Christ-like.” I have selective faith just like I try to have a relationship with God in an advisory capacity; it doesn’t work. God did just fine before I came along and He doesn’t need me to pray to him with tips… “Dear God… it would be really great if my oldest daughter would talk with me; it’s nearly been two years. (He knows exactly how long it’s been). I know it is in your time BUT if you could make it sometime before May when I hear she is getting married, that would be pretty great….Amen.” Having faith that He will get her to come around does not mean following it up with “….but you’re probably busy and since my other daughter has come around; that should be good enough for now. Sorry to bother you.”

I was watching a TV show this week and it was pretty non-descript through the entire show. I recorded it and zipped through commercials to watch an hour long program in 40minutes. It was your regular “Whodunnit” series, trying to catch a bad guy but within the storyline there was an underlying relationship similar to mine. A father was not around much and his son resented him. He was in the military and left him and his mother to fend for themselves much of the time until his mother died of breast cancer. The son blamed him for not being there and sending the token birthday card when he remembered. But…the part that hit me was when the father died. Federal Agents were to find the killer of his father and in doing so, questioned the son. He received a birthday card which went unopened until the agents found it in the trash and looked inside; of course to unlock the missing piece of the puzzle to find the elusive killer. Inside was a photograph of the father and son taken probably ten years earlier with nine very impacting words written across the back:

I Wish I Would Have Tried Harder

Love, Dad

I was barely paying attention to the show or much of the story but that last scene took me by surprise; so much so that I rewound the recording and paused on the back of this picture. How many times have I thought those words with regards to my daughters? How many different ways did I wish I could say the same things to each of them? I’m sorry never seemed to cut it and anything else seemed just as contrite and meaningless. At what point did I think it was too late to try and turn back the clock and figure it was better to chalk it up to “It is what it is” and leave the ball in their court? Hoping?

(Then:  9, 10, 11      -      Now:  19, 20, 21)

I know that God is doing amazing things in my life and that all of those things that are happening are a direct result of the relationship I have with Him. He is an amazing God and still considers me a “Work in Progress.” (whew) I do live with regret for many of the things I have done in my life and work at mending those relationships and righting those wrongs with strength that he gives me. I hold fast to my fave apostle, Paul’s words to the people of Philippi and know that, even though I slip and doubt and question and wonder…He will be there to get me through it just like a first grader asking “Why is the sky blue?”

“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.” Philippians 3:13-15

My eyes are on the prize. I do not run from my past but He assures me it is the past and I no longer need to worry about it. What’s done is done and it is up to me to move forward for the reward he has for those who love Him. I know to follow him means that I will be able to write something different on the back of a picture one day:

I feel I failed you when it mattered most.

I left but I tried to come back for you.

When Jesus hugged me and didn’t let go…. 

you were the first things I looked for to share it with.    

I love you and will spend the rest of my life showing you

how hard I tried to get you to love me back.

Love, Mom.